I was explaining to a college classmate that I only date other Orthodox Jews. “So,” I concluded, “I’m going to be single for a while.”
He chuckled. “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on them.”
I stared. Then I smiled. I mean, he’d just called me picky. Can you think of a higher compliment? To be told that the only reason you’re still single is that you’re too picky.
I’ve told friends to stop being so picky. Generally, what I mean is “Pal, you’re gorgeous, brilliant, gracious, and witty. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t consider a guy who isn’t tall, dark, handsome, rich, brilliant, and of course, a Torah scholar.”
It seems to me that we all have a list of traits we want, most of which don’t usually seem to come together in the same package. If half my friends seem to have unrealistic expectations, perhaps I do too. But honestly, most of the time the breakup is mutual. I don’t think I’ve left a string of broken hearts behind me.
Still, it’s nice that someone thinks I could have.
I’d have understood what he said differently- not that you’re picky, but that maybe the Orthodox guys you date in the future will surprise you (and so your assumption of being single for a while will turn out to be unfounded).
At any rate, I’m not sure I’d take ‘picky’ as a compliment, personally. To me it implies that a person thinks too highly of themselves and that’s where the unrealistic expectations come from (e.g., average guy who won’t look twice at anyone but conventionally gorgeous girls). Recognizing and accepting another person’s (perceived or actual) flaws tends to go hand-in-hand with recgnizing one’s own.
(Which is why I hate when anyone who is over x years of age or has gone out with more than y people is automatically labeled picky.)
I think you may have read a bit of your ego into that guys comment. He probably interpreted your statement as “most male orthodox Jews suck.” I don’t think he was so much calling you picky as he was politely telling you not to be such a bitch. And I mean bitch in the nicest way possible. Your a good person but you seem to have a disdain for people who don’t have as much random knowledge or interest in travel as you. But, hey for all I know you made this story up to get your point across. #hatersgonnahate
Generally being picky means your trying to play out of your league; unsuccessfully so.
Bad4- I think I totally hear what you’re saying. It’s really nice when someone (particularly a guy) thinks that the reason you’re not with someone is because YOU kept saying no. I agree that it should be taken as a compliment. Not because you’re picky, rather because it seems they’ve put you on a bit of a pedestal, and admire you in a way. It always feels good when ppl admire you 🙂
I also think it’s probably a compliment. I know of several singles (conservative, not orthodox, and one nice catholic girl) who simply haven’t dated a person who fits with them even though I think they are wonderful people. They are quite a bit older than Bad4 is (I think), but that’s because in the general dating world the ages are skewed up 10 years from the Yeshivish world. My wife and I married in our early 20s, after several years of dating, and have been married more than half our lives, but that was the exception, not the norm, among our cohort.
Had to read this a few times to understand the train of thought. I also thought he meant you were being hard on them and that you shouldn’t be. I guess that still means you’re picky. 🙂
It’s no fun being the picky one all the time. It just means that they aren’t marriage oriented enough to dump someone who’s obviously not a fit for them. At least in my experience. Also, I tend to feel like I’m doing something wrong and must be paranoid/overly judgmental when I’m the one doing all the rejecting.
Who are “other” orthodox Jews?
Instead of being so picky for the “list” of things you want, think how the traditional way to get married used to be:
Your “new” way seems not to be working.
@goomper (1) those who participate in that sort of courtship ritual usually come from the same cookie cutter so its easier to assume an identical world view and perspective. (2) you are assuming love or even “like” follows marriage. But in a culture that so stigmatizes divorce it is hard to know how many people are are in absolutely miserable relationships. (3) she being female has no obligation to get married or have children. And if she decides she does want those things she has every right to set her own terms.
goomper: yes we have all heard the same speech from every rabbi , that love comes later and they show it from yitzchak and how marriage comes before love. you wanna know what really annoys me goomper? why the heck does everyone ignore yakov then. first he falls in love with rachel and then he marries her. and i you want to say ruach hakodesh…and what yitzchak didnt have ruach hakodesh. the answer is simple, stop drinking the koolaid the aish rabbis want you to drink and realize youve been tricked by someone being selective in their bible presentations.
ab, You must not slander Jews, especially an entire sector of them, off the cuff. If you have a problem with some Rabbi or Rabbis, keep it to yourself.
As for my drinking “kool-aid”, I have no problem being convinced that Torah is divine. I do not have answers to all of your questions, but that does not therefore give me pause to think that the Torah is flawed. Torah is divine and perfect, and everything therein has a lesson to teach you and me.
AB is not saying the Torah is not divine. AB is saying that the Rabbinic interpretation you presented is not.
I think the above commenters are missing that it was bad4 who used the word picky, not him.
When bad4 said she has a limited dating pool (only orthodox jews) and therefore has low hopes of getting married soon, the statement’s meaning could go in two ways. The guy made the assumption that she is the one who has been judging/rejecting/dumping them. Meaning, he is assuming that of course all of those guys will want to date her. indeed, a compliment!
Ironically, everyone interprets my statement to mean that I’m the one being hard on the guys, whether they perceive the response as complimentary or not.
In reality, I meant that guys are hard on me, or actually, that I’m not the kind of girl that interests Jewish guys.
B4S- I find that hard to believe. I’m as weird as they (i.e. frum women) come, and there are still a few Jewish guys that seemed interested. Granted, they were all old, crazy, or had weird beliefs, but I was the one who got to say “I’m not interested” in at least a few cases.
goomper you totally misunderstood what i said but more importantly you didnt answer my question. What of yaakov and rachel and love before marriage. i thought it doesnt exist?!