Why Good4 Must Get Married aSAP

Although the NYTimes wrote about this ages ago, I just recently found out that I belong to a coveted marketing niche known as the PANK.

Professional Aunt, No Kids.

Earning oodles of spare cash and determined to be cooler than our aunts were, us PANKs are willing to spend between $200 and $500 a kinfauna every year, taking them to museums, feeding them pizza, and buying them expensive Lego kits so they can reproduce the Forbidden City in the comfort of their own playroom.

Honestly, I can’t think of anything I’d rather be than a PANK. It sounds like so much fun! You rent cute kids at a rate of what, $30/hr? Then return them in time for bathtime. No late-night vomit sessions, no fights over homework. You won’t find a better deal anywhere.

Sadly, my kinfauna live too far away to be conveniently PANKed. That’s why I’ve decided Good4 must step up t0 the plate and provide some local options.

So, does anyone know of a nice yeshivish boy for my sister?

Oh wait.


I just realized something.

I have officially entered the ranks with the grandparents, demanding that their offspring get married so they can have some “nachas” (read, grandkids, great-grandkids) already.

What does that make me?


8 thoughts on “Why Good4 Must Get Married aSAP

  1. “Sadly, my kinfauna live too far away to be conveniently PANKed.”

    There is, of course, a way to fix that – make aliya!

  2. My problem is that I want to keep the toys I buy.

    “Cool, Playmobil!”

    “No, sweetie, that’s mine. The socks are for you. It has been quite clear that after the Lego incident of 2010, you are not mature enough to own Playmobil. We’ll review the matter when you are 18.”

  3. Other-hemisphere kinfauna come with a $200 shipping-and-handling surcharge.. but no absolution for distance. And they like Playmobil.

  4. You’ve been quite a wonderful PANK, despite the distance. Your kinfauna regularly read the Magic School Bus books you’ve sent them. And play with the toys you’ve sent until they’re completely broken. Such was the fate of the catapults you sent, for example.

    Which is why we drip the toys to them over time rather than all at once.

    Having said that, Good4 should get married anyway.


  5. i think the kicker here is “determined to be cooler than our aunts were”. i had an older single aunt, who probably didn’t make all that much money, considering. she got annoyed when we touched the cool stuff she kept at my grandparents’ (having long since moved out) and didn’t care all that much about us. she got married when i was ten (and she close to 40), had a kid, and he has been the center of the universe ever since. now we have a great relationship, but as adults. oh well.

  6. Pingback: PANK Comics | Bad for Shidduchim

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