Thursday Link: Bad Lists

 

Got this from an MF. It links to a blog containing the musings of, apparently, a fantastically in-love (and good-looking) couple on the subject of Cupid’s arrow, sheep-eyed bliss, Aphrodite’s elixir, or maybe something to do with St. Valentine. It’s a Blog About Love, in short.

In this post, the female half ruminates on the viral article by Lori Gottlieb, in which she urges women to settle for Mr. Good-Enough when they’re young, so they don’t wind up totally alone when they’re old.

We’ve covered that ground before.

The blogger says people may be more willing to settle if they realize why they have higher expectations. Do they have a list to fill the void created by an imbalance in their psyche?

Personally, I don’t think that’s my problem, but these things are always more apparent to third parties. I’m sure someone could tell me about my imbalances and how they’re skewing my expectations. Sadly, although many people have told me why other people won’t marry me, nobody has yet endeavored to tell me why I won’t marry other people. Odd that. I wonder why?

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10 thoughts on “Thursday Link: Bad Lists

  1. What I find more entertaining is how “happily married” people say that everyone should settle. So, you are saying the love of your life, the “darling” man you are currently gazing at, could have been anyone? That there is nothing special about him, specifically? He was just “Good-Enough”?

    Aaaaaw, how sweeeeet!

  2. PL, They are saying that a very rewarding part of life is taking an “imperfect” situation/person and making it great, doing your best, training yourself to see and cultivate the good. It also makes the first person rethink and work on his or her own persona, because – gasp! – he or she is not perfect either. And that is that is very satisfying too, on an individual level and a couple level. Plus, you get to feel that this person is the “perfect imperfect” person for me. 🙂 I sincerely wish on you too this kind of clarity and graitification.

  3. I couldn’t agree more with her post. I think it is an excellent provocation to people who as she says are trying to use others to build themselves up instead of building themselves up by themselves.

    I thought my husband was perfect, and married him, but now that I’m older I realize he’s not. If god forbid he died, I would be much more realistic about human perfection, and very cognizant of the fact that anyone I would date would have imperfections, some of them big- as do I.

  4. Lea, some people mean just that – and it’s actually a very profound insight. The idea is that love comes from what you do and the attitude you take. Each person is special, and if you are open to that and open making a commitment to give to each other the love will grow, even if you are not head over heels to start with.

    It’s not for everyone. But, the core is hugely important to everyone who wants to be like that sweet 80 yo couple who are still in love with each other decades after their marriage. No matter how special that special ONE is, you’ll only reach that point, if you feed your relationship by committing to each other, deciding to look up to each other and giving to each other more than being lucky to marry a “special” person.

    What most people mean, is don’t be so hung up on the “perfect” person. Maybe that guy / girl who doesn’t meet every qualification that can think of is really a great, special person who can make you happy.

    Of course, since I don’t know you, I have no idea whether the people are saying has any relationship to reality.

  5. Observer, well put. I think people should look for the most compatible person they can practically find, but once you have that, you still have to make the decisions to keep overlooking our normal imperfections.

  6. The big question is what level of compatability can be practically found. I wish I could line up all of my shidduch options and pick the best one, instead of rejecting guys that are pretty good (but flawed in significant ways) and wondering if they are the best fit I’ll ever find.

  7. If anyone knows me they will know I make no claims of so-called “perfection” in a spouse. Nor do I think that I am alone. This is merely another article about how I’m married, you’re not, therefore you must be unrealistic, picky, holding out for Superman, etc.

    Even finding a similarly flawed yet flawless human being to commit to is not easy.

  8. I’ve told this to others — including my own daughter: More important than looking for Mr./Ms. “Right” is to look for Mr./Ms. “Right for You”. The latter may be harder to define than the former because it requires you to know a lot about yourself, but in the end that’s who will make you the happiest.

    (As an aside: When I was dating I was told by an adviser that I will learn more about myself than anyone I date — and he was right!)

  9. That last sentence would more clearly state my intent if it had read:

    “…I will learn more about myself than [I will learn about] anyone I date…”

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