Why They Need to Can Salsa

You’d really think, with all the single women floating around, they’d come up with some way to seal jars that we could actually open.


This meme reminded me of one ironic conversation I had with my flatmate. We were setting up for a Game Night, putting out chips and salsa. She handled the chips. I got the salsa. While we worked, we were discussing how a third friend had asked us to do a Tough Mudder with her.

For those who don’t know, a Tough Mudder is a muddy obstacles course race for insanely fit people. People who are not insanely fit get carted off the course on stretchers. A few weeks ago someone died. But we didn’t know that. Or didn’t care to. Hey – it’s a cool race! Why shouldn’t we do it?

I flipped open my laptop and brought up YouTube so we could watch inspirational Tough Mudder videos. We stood there — she, shaking chips into the bowl, me clutching the salsa jar, and watched waves of shirtless men pour over the 8-foot-wall obstacle, like a sea of muddy crew cuts.

“Where are all the women?” I wondered.

the video went on for what seemed like forever before finally, a lone woman was boosted over the wall by one of the muddy crew cut guys.

“Oh c’mon,” I complained. “Really? Boosted? We’re not going to need to be boosted.”

“No way,” my flatmate agreed. “We are strong, independent women, and we will conquer that course on our own.” (Also, we won’t have men on our team.)

“That’s right,” I continued, “We don’t need men to do our muscle work for us. We can take care of ourselves.”

“Yup. We move our own boxes and and our own furniture — well not the couch, but that was really mostly because of the door — why are you still hugging the salsa?”

“I can’t get the lid off. Can you help me?”

Needless to say, we did not run a Tough Mudder.


16 thoughts on “Why They Need to Can Salsa

  1. Jars are hard to open because the force of external air pressure pushing the lid against the rim causes static friction (“stiction”). You can reduce or eliminate this by breaking the seal. I find that the two easiest ways to do this are by firmly tapping the edge of the jar’s lid by either holding the bottom of the jar and rapping the lid against a soft (e.g., wood, Laminex or Formica) surface; or by holding a table knife loosely and swinging the back edge of the blade against the lid hard enough to dent it. After doing either of these successfully the lid should come right off.

  2. To all 3 of the previous responders:

    Good solutions all, but if you remember all the advice given about relationships, you’d know that Bad4 is not looking for solutions, she is looking for understanding and a listening ear.

    Watch the “It’s Not About the Nail” video in order to better understand:

  3. Shlomo hamelech prayed for an understanding heart (1 Kings 3) and he ended up with seven hundred wives,(*) which caused all sorts of problems. This teaches us that understanding is only appropriate for bochrim who are “in the parshah”; married men should stick to solutions.

    (*) And three hundred concubines, which I think may be some sort of melon.

  4. Re: Mindy
    You may be right, but I also can’t imagine that Bad4’s purpose in posting this was to solicit ideas on how to open jars more easily.

  5. Hey, I open the jars in my family. The men are too likely to break them or open them with so much force that the opened jar goes flying 🙂

  6. to quote a college classmate who saw me struggling to get a stack of empty pizza boxes through a narrow doorway at a hillel event:
    “and you call yourself an [employee in a redacted technical field]???”

  7. Hey, I can do it with a jar opener and a rubber band and whatever. But I still want to just pop open jars without having to rummage through the cabinets for some tiny item I hardly use. In this story, I was was watching a video and struggling with a jar. Who wants to go find a piece of equipment?

    Pinny, Mindy – my purpose was to pass along a story that made me laugh. I need neither a listening ear nor advice on jar opening.

  8. I am glad to hear that you guys realized the neo-feminist hashfos such “We don’t need men” nonsense is bunch of BS, even so you had to learn it hard way.

  9. I don’t know about you, but I need at least one in my personal life, and at least several in my extended life to serve as my college professors. My father and brothers are nice too.

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