I am not a big New Year’s reveler. My acknowledgment of the new calendar year usually consists of sticking my head under the pillow at midnight when the shouting wakes me up. I also accept the day off from work, albeit grudgingly. (Can’t I work on New Year’s and take off on one of my holidays? Answer: No. The computer system couldn’t process that request. Neither could my boss.)
Anyway, I recently started using a feed reader, and every other blogger seems to have a New Year’s post. Resolutions or retrospectives or predictions or something like that. So now I feel like I need a New Year’s themed post.
WordPress is kind enough to restropect on my blog for me. I have posted their stats for you.
I don’t do resolutions. I have better things to fail at. Besides, what does a shidduch blogger resolve to do? Get married this year? Thank you. I’ve been working on this for seven years. Why would I suddenly succeed now?
Maybe I could resolve to be a better dater. Try throwing out my list or just stop dumping guys because they aren’t worth giving up my hair for. But eh. No. A girl needs some standards. I’m sticking with my list.
So no resolutions. Great! Moving right along, let’s make some predictions.
I predict that 75% of the 19-year-olds who found this blog during a late-night, post-date googling session will be engaged by the end of the year. I predict that 75% of the long-time readers will not be—and I’m including the married readers in that number.
Not to disparage the 19-year-old readership. I think being single at 19 is more miserable than being single at 27. I’m just so used to it by now. All those raw emotions are covered with so much scar tissue. I no longer care about the things that got me ranting (and writing) at 19. I apologize to my readers: I just don’t have the passion any more. Maybe I should predict my retirement in the next year.
Is there such a thing as starting fresh?
I once had a theory that one of the great harms in relationships comes from the “you always do this” mindset. That is “You have done this thing I don’t like several times in the past, therefore I assume you will do it again now, and I’m going to preempt that or overreact to innocent errors and statements as if you were repeating this past offense.”
So I did a thought experiment. What if you could treat your friends and relatives as completely fresh slates every day? Nothing they’ve done in the past will affect how you perceive them now.
And I realized that this kind of negates the whole point of a relationship. Knowing and understanding the other person, what they do, like, and think, and also what they probably need to work on.
Why am I rambling on this way? Fresh starts. Right. I don’t believe in those either. I am not a brand new person at the start of a new year. I’m the same old flawed me. And chances are good I’m going to continue making the same mistakes this year that I’ve made in the past. But I will take this “stop and think” moment to strike a deal with me: I’ll erase the “you always” mentality if I can prove that I actually don’t always.
Time to get cracking.
Hello! English isn’t my primary language, so please don’t mind my mistakes.
First time reading this blog – and maybe first time also looking for blogs with this backgrounds: shidduchim. I am worried about this so called shidduchim crisis, lots of girls desperate to get married and this so high pressure religious society puts on them.
I am myself a girl who doesn’t know when – OR IF – I’m gonna get married.
But that’s not what our avodas hashem is about, is it?
I am a baalat tshuva who has done a bunch of wrong stuff (which can be even a problem by halacha for marriage), and even if no consequences had happened, I decided to go for tshuva in my early 20’s (it didn’t pass so much time, but anyway), and still I think getting married is a little scary.
Anyway I got pretty concerned by this thing you wrote:
“I don’t do resolutions. I have better things to fail at. Besides, what does a shidduch blogger resolve to do? Get married this year? Thank you. I’ve been working on this for seven years. Why would I suddenly succeed now?”
Really? Ha Kadosh Baruch Hu kept our people as slaves in Egypt for more than 100 years, WHAT MADE PEOPLE THINK THEY WOULD GET OUT?! C’mmon!
I don’t know how it feels to be in your place, I don’t know you, we’ve never talked face to face, but I’ve seen the most unpredictable situations. People I thought it would be too hard to find a husband/wife (I’m not the one to judge, but according to our so-failable common sense…) find their bshert! If Hashem made you elegible to marry, then that’s just a matter of time!
Don’t you dare to lose hope!
Anyway, if you are interested in talking, my e-mail is email@example.com
Wish you all the best!
No! Don’t retire! I’ve been dating for just 2 years and still need this!
I have been dating for over 5 yrs and when I started I did not realized that it would be so difficult to find a spouse, I thought 1 or 2 yrs and I will be defiantly find someone, but I guess Hashem has His own plans. At times, I also felt like given up, but I think one must stay positive, since you only need to find just ONE right person. I also think it’s not correct to think that every year it’s going to be the same thing all over again, over time people improve the dating skills and become better at it and improve their chances of finding a right spouse.
2 years of trying with 1 in-person date, and now less than 1/2 a year where I met 4 men, 8 dates. Changing location did wonders for me. I feel like I’m bound to find the right one soon.
Getting married this year ? Really ? Is this the best resolution you could come up with ? What about travelling the world ? Getting your scuba diver license ? Adopting a blind dog (I have one in stock if you want) ? Learning to pilot an helicopter ? (All bad for shidduchim things by the way)
Come on, you’re 27, single (so no obligation) and with a real job (so plenty of money to take flying lesson or to go horse trekking in Iceland). So no need to write such a depressing post, with such depressing non resolutions and such depressing predictions. Maybe be 75% of the long time readers will stay single this year but I dare hope that most of them will have so much fun that they won’t care about it. At least, I intend to, even if my love life is kind of a huge mess. I have big plans for 2014.
i was distracted from all the other points you made in this post by the terrible, terrible sentence under Predictions.
No! Say you were joking! Don’t retire!!!! Please!!!
The post wasn’t depressing, it was contemplative. I don’t believe in big mass miracle changes either. I don’t think I’m so bad that I need a complete overhaul. Just little tweaks here and there.
Another comment by Mindy. She was #1 in 2013 so I have to keep up with her. Maybe for every comment she gives on a blog I will make a resolution to match that or do more?
Yeah, I think that’s a good resolution!
My resolution last year (btw I’m not doing a million comments on purpose, first 2 were but then I cam up with this comment) was to spend more money dating. So I did! And hey, I almost got engaged twice, so maybe it worked?
Here’s the stats. 5 years of dating and I spent… $7,270.79.
2013 I spent $2,258.34 or about 31% of total spent. That’s a jump.
@iyhby, what does how much you spend on dating has to do with successfully finding soul mate? Do you actually keep a spreadsheet with all of you spending?
@SG No idea, but I thought maybe it would help. You’re probably right though, probably random coincidence with no correlation.
Spreadsheet with spending? Yes. Spreadsheet of dates? Also yes. Those are two separate spreadsheets. My spending spreadsheets includes a dating category though but only includes $ spent.
@iyhby, nice! What is your ave. cost per date? I do not understand what you mean by “dating category” on your spending spreadsheet
iyhby – I am very curious about the cost breakdown. I think it would actually make great post material. I do not have a dating category on my spreadsheet, mostly because it’s not significant enough an expense. But I’m curious as to what a typical guy might spend in a year of chasing a mate.
iyhby- my current guy and I spent less than 30 NIS (less than $10) between the 2 of us in the span of 3 dates. Another guy, maybe 150 NIS on three dates and it went nowhere. Local dates that involve strolling around a nice neighborhood and going to free events together can be great. Spending more money on dating is not the solution (assuming you live somewhere where there are potential shidduchim available).
@b, I am unsure you can get away that easy in the US. I like to do lunch / dinner for the first one, then some kind of activity / sight seeing & some food for subsquevent dates. Outside of dates, I don’t go out that much so I don’t mind spending $.
Wow, iyhby, I am impressed withy our spreadsheet. But I have to predict that I will remain a loyal commenter longer. Because bad4 is a personal friend of mine, and I don’t think you know her. So when your $7,000 finally pays off and you get busy with family and work, you will eventually think fondly of the old blog-reading days whereas I will still log on loyally as long as this exists. Probably. 🙂
Mindy – I object to the idea that you think iyhby is more eligible than I am, and will get picked off first. Let the race begin!
Well I do have a dating spreadsheet but it doesn’t just include money spent. It also includes basic info about the girl, who set us up and who said no. Then every date includes where we went, how much money was spent, the hours we were out, and info about the date.
Besides that I have a balance sheet and income statement spreadsheet where I keep track of my assets and liabilities on my balance sheet and track my spending and income on my income statement. On that income statement tab I have different categories:
Car Finance Payments
Food and Restaurants
Health and Beauty
I do that month to month so although if you go in each cell and look at the comments you can see the breakdown, I only have it month to month. But in my dating spreadsheet it is divided by dates as mentioned in the comment above. But Bad4 if I was a girl I also probably would not have a dating category.
And Mindy and bad4 I have to disagree with both of who. Who is to say I will not come here after I am married? It’s entertaining! And who is to say Bad4 will stop afterwards? Or is it the whole “married people are soooooo busy” thing. 😉
Oh, and if you’re curious my balance sheet is:
Bank of America
Credit Card Debt
Credit Card Rewards
But that really varies for every person even more so than the income statement categories because everyone has money in different places.
What other details do you want?
@iyhby, you can sign up for website(s) (Mint, Yodlee MoneyCenter, etc.) that could keep track of your overall financial health. Personally, I use Yodlee Money Center and keep a notebook w/ girl basic info., general notes from conversations / dates, but do not track spending.
I am just curious, do you have a cost per date figure? Do you live in NY or out of town?
I’ve looked into Mint but I do not like how it has the categories and analyses everything. For instance if I go out to starbucks that’s not restaurant, that’s dating, but they don’t know that. And if I go somewhere entertaining, if it was with friends it’s entertainment, otherwise it’s a date. Also they don’t include cash purchases. I know you can move things around and add things, but I liked my way better.
I do have cost per date, because in my dating spreadsheet I have all the info I mentioned above per date. So date 1 will have cost, info, hours, location, so will date 2 and on…
NY, sort of…
I was more curious about the numbers. Average cost of a date. Most expensive date. Cheapest date. Most ever spent on a girl. Stuff like that.
Bad4, the same here.
iyhby if you do not mind, could you please share the actual figures.
I guess i could calculate avg cost per date even though I didn’t write down how many dates I’ve been on, I can just add it up. Also I’ll have to check for most expensive date. But most spent on a girl is easy… $1,326.40 over 26 dates, or about $51 a date with her. Although she did want to go on this date that would have cost me over $400. We made plans to go but then I cancelled bc I was going to save that date for the proposal but that never happened. I’m glad we didn’t do it, $400 wasted, geez!
Okay, by the look of it most expensive date was $111.94 or $130.38 if you include the flowers. Cheapest date definitely $0. I made plan as mentioned above to go on dates more expensive than that with a couple girls but they didn’t happen as we broke up before they occurred. I guess I never go on more so crazy expensive dates bc I hate going out to eat so I rarely do that.
Wow. Thanks for that.
Bad4, I’m assuming you will continue to writer after marriage. Iyhby, I used to be somewhat that organized, but now I have too much else going on. As long as I am paying the bills and thinking about saving money, I’m happy!
Yes, I assume one day I will have to stop this too. Especially if wife has a credit card. But I feel like I will always be keeping track of something. When I was a little kid I used to keep track of how many steps it took to get to shul and my friend’s houses and created averages and tried getting there on the same exact number of steps each time. I also did many other things with walking but they are too long, complicated and strange to go into detail here 🙂
Are you an accountant or something?
Actually I thought I would be the perfect accountant so I took a class in college my first semester and didn’t enjoy it. I feel like if I actually were to go all the way and become an accountant I would probably love it.