Now I Get It

One dull evening, my flatmates and I decided to sign up for ZivugZone. Separately, we sat at our laptops uploading photos and writing descriptive paragraphs. Then we microwaved some popcorn and waited.

It didn’t take too long. The messages started arriving. For one of my flatmates, about three a night. For me — every couple of days. Not that it mattered. The guys who messaged us had depressingly boring profiles. Not one bothered to upload a photo. Their messages were invariably “Hi. Wanna talk?” And their description went “I’m a nice guy looking for a pretty girl.”

This was pretty standard for the site, we discovered, scrolling through the options.  I wondered: are the women this bad too?

So I created a male profile. I wanted to see if the female profiles were as bad as the male. And yeah: I wanted to scope the competition.

And boy was there competition. Everyone had a photo. And some of those photos were gorgeous. I despaired as I scrolled through a smorgasbord of pictures clearly taken at weddings, their subjects posing in perfectly ironed hair and impeccable makeup. I didn’t even bother to read their names or descriptive paragraphs.  I just went “Pretty — really pretty — gorgeous — whoa! — Shnasty — Ooh, look at her I should give up now…” I felt like such a guy.

Then a photo caught my eye. It was different. The clothes and hair weren’t elaborate – -she was wearing a zip-up sweatshirt and denim skirt. She was standing in the midground, facing a log cabin, peering flirtatiously over her shoulder at the camera. She wasn’t just pretty — she was cute.   I stopped and read her description. She said she was a fun girl who enjoyed traveling and playing in the sunshine. Okay, it wasn’t quite like that, but that’s the impression it gave. She sounded like every man’s dream. I practically asked her out. Then I remembered that I’m not really a man — just posing as one.

Then I realized something even more embarrassing:  the girl in the picture was my flatmate.

I double-checked the name. “Goldy S.” Yep. That was my flatmate.

Amy Webb says your descriptive paragraph should be less than 99 words and include “sunshine,” “smile,” and “girl” in it. And Goldy’s sure as heck did. So I decided to do an experiment. I copy-pasted her paragraph wholesale into my profile and waited for the messages to roll in.

They didn’t.

“Can I use a photo of you too?” I asked next. I thought a good next step would be to pair her photo with a humdrum, non-sunshiny paragraph and see what happened.

No,” she replied, possibly not wanting to go into competition with herself.

So I left it at that. I never completed the experiment.

Well, someone went and took the experiment all the way!

“[Comedian Alli Reed] created the fake OKCupid profile, ‘aaroncarterfan,’ using a picture of her best friend who is a model, ‘hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it,’ despite how attractive the picture is.”

Full Article Here

She wrote that she’s very good at convincing people that she’s pregnant, and that she enjoys knocking the coffee cups out of the hands of homeless people because “it is sooooooo funny.”

She got 150 messages in 24 hours.

So there you go, ladies. It’s all about the picture.

Well, maybe not all. You should probably still have a 99-word sunshiny paragraph, rather than a list of your vices. But if you want anyone to even glance at that paragraph, you’re going to need a pretty darn good photo.

So get snapping.


15 thoughts on “Now I Get It

  1. I never heard of ZivugZone website before, but will now I will definitely give it a try, since apparently all of the hotties are there :-)!

    On Frumster most girl’s profiles are without pics which I find as very silly. Physical attraction plays an important role in a relationship & I think it’s ridiculous to ignore it. Hashem designed men certain way & this neo-feminists philosophy to look down on men is complete BS and nothing good will come out of it.

  2. What makes a guy’s profile interesting? Maybe an indication that he values some qualities more highly than looks?

    Bad4- I LOVED that article, and Cracked in general is interesting and hilarious!! (Warning for off-color language and jokes though)

  3. A brief criterion. Looks are the peak of the attraction for males. The peak attraction for females is a combination of the ability (some charisma and confidence) and the willingness (intimacy, admiration) to care for her. This criterion works, in my experience, for most of the population.

    In the non-Jewish world women go like crazies after romantic novels and men seek badly non-tznius pictures of women. It is just emotions, not some wise and rational decision. Look at the (frum) girls who are seduced by Arabs in Israel, or the (frum) guys who pursue a cute non-Jewish girl…

    No need to bash these desires. So please, girls, don’t judge the guys for having a normal attraction for cute girls. And guys, don’t be fools or you will pay the price.

  4. I made two fake profiles on zivugzone. One male and one female. I used great pictures for both. My female one got several hits, but my male got none. My conclusion was that only the males contact the females.

  5. Hilarious. One of your funniest post so far. And (according to “yoni”) it is, “horrendous”.

    I can never get over how you always have these simple but brilliant ideas.

    P.S. – I think it’s all dating sites. Plech.

  6. Bad4, read James Taranto on that fake post – he wrote that obviously, men took the “knock cups out of homeless guys’ hands” as a joke, and were impressed at her witty send-up of the online dating profile sendup. Stay off dating sites – I don’t believe the best guys are on there.

  7. You find the “best guys” by networking – hunt them down. This, unfortunately, being a lopsided dating market (something to envy Chinese women!), well…most of the good male catches won’t be looking online, they are flooded with off-line matches….also, PRAY!!!! It’s a sick, desperate scene.

  8. Hindy- I don’t think there’s an objective “best guy” out there. We all have the type that’s best for us. I’ve met science PhD candidates and talented musicians in online dating sites, if that’s what you call “best”. (And they happened to not be right for me.) The guy I’m dating now would not be what you call “best” by standard measures, but seems like a much better fit for me. though actually in this case we were introduced through someone he knows whose on the same dating site as me. Just networking doesn’t work for me because I need to spread my net wider than that to find a guy whose fairly local and has a similarly peculiar religious outlook as I do. The people I usually meet have rather conventional outlooks and just view me as an unmatchable weirdo.

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