Three One-Thousand, Four One-Thousand

I’m picky.

There—I’ve said it.

After seven years of denial in the face of repeated accusation, I admit it: I have high standards. I don’t just want a nice guy with a job. I want a heckuva lot more for a lifelong commitment.

Once your 24 months of hormonal giddiness are over, you’re left with someone you’ve agreed to spend the rest of your life with, in union. Someone you’ve decided to partner with on this matter known as “life” til death do you part. Mortgages. Colicky babies. Influenza. Teenagers. Every Shabbos for the rest of your life. Who do you want to be there?

Examining my protests over the years, my reasons for ditching, dumping, and breaking up, I find the complaints fall into two major categories. “He’s boring” and “he’s a dead weight.” And I can readily invert those negatives to two positives that I think are the most important aspects of a marriage. That is, I think the spouse falls into two main roles:

The Companion.  Friends are people who you want to spend time with even when the mystery is gone. People whose opinions you trust, whose company you enjoy, whose views you want to hear even when you don’t agree with them. Someone whose company you seek out when the going is glum, because you know they can cheer you up or at least commiserate right. And it seems to me that this should describe someone you plan to hang out with for forever.

And The Partner.  A partner is someone you want at your side because you trust them to do their part and catch what you miss. Someone who makes you feel safe, knowing they have your back. Someone you don’t have to check on because you know they’ve got it covered. And this should describe someone with whom you plan to face the rest of your life.

The miracle of feminism tells me that I don’t have to compromise when I pick a mate. And, okay: that means I don’t get to a whole lot of seventh dates. But when I do, it means that it’s someone I like, respect, and trust.

Maybe I’m demanding. I’ve been told that I am. That I have unrealistic standards. Maybe I do. But somehow, I can’t help but think there may be someone out there who fits this description for me. That I can find someone to marry who doesn’t make me feel like I’m settling. To quote another Jewish girl from a less liberated time, “Why shouldn’t I want the best?” And why shouldn’t that guy I eventually choose know that I think he’s the best?

He should know that he’s someone whose views I respect, whose judgment I value, whose company I cherish, who abilities I respect, whose partnership I trust, and whose presence makes me feel safe. Not someone I settled for so I could call myself married, but someone I look forward to sharing the rest of my life with.

And if I’ve got to be picky to get that message across, well, so be it.

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7 thoughts on “Three One-Thousand, Four One-Thousand

  1. It maybe Judaism (rather than feminism) that tells you (and me) that we should not compromise when we find a mate. And, okay: that means we don’t get to a whole lot of seventh dates. But when we do, it means that it’s someone we match (i.e. mutual like, mutual respect, and mutual trust).
    On the point of feminism maybe Sarah will make you laugh as much as I did : http://youtu.be/ahdR6aHQvMQ

  2. We simply have to rephrase the concept of “picky.” It isn’t “picky,” it is “I am seeking someone I like, respect, and trust.” That has none of the negative undertones of “picky.”

  3. i guess the only question is whether your standards of “Boring” and “dead-weight” are reasonable.
    thus for example if it takes someone a while to open up and reveal more interesting sides of his personality maybe he’ll be rejected as “boring” before getting the chance.

    but other than that…. yeah. word on your whole post.

  4. Your 2 reasons for being “picky” don’t sound like you’re being picky at all! It’s called being selective. It’s called “knowing what you’re looking for.” It’s called “looking for a suitable mate”, (not just ANY mate.)
    Good for you, Bad4!!
    I held out until finding the man I appreciate and respect after hearing from countless people that he simply did not exist. And thank Gd I did.
    Your man is out there, just like you’re out there.
    Keep being yo bad self! 😉

  5. oh, Bad4, you are causing me to have 2nd thoughts I don’t want to have. 😦 What if he’s a great companion but a little weak on the partner side? I think sometimes people settle because they see the weaknesses as an inseperable part of the person that, as a whole, they admire and respect.

  6. I don’t really think anyone is boring. I’ve always been closest friends with people who all my other friends don’t understand why I’m friends with them. I say, just because their introverts doesn’t mean when you become really close to them they don’t talk! Actually my closest friend now is exactly like that! He’s one of only 3 people in the world who I can talk to him every day for an hour and we still have what to talk about. Yet most everyone tells me he’s quiet.

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