Still Single? At Least You Have Facebook

HT to Relarela for this one.

Studies show that heavy Facebook use gives you about half the support you’d get from being married. That was stated to prove how supportive FB can be.

“Facebook users get more overall social support, and in particular they report more emotional support and companionship than other people,” wrote Hampton in a blog post. “And, it is not a trivial amount of support. Compared to other things that matter for support — like being married or living with a partner — it really matters. Frequent Facebook use is equivalent to about half the boost in support you get from being married.”

To me it’s rather ominous. I don’t use Facebook. Does that make me the 21st-century equivalent of the hermit monk in the woods?

Then again, perhaps it’s news of hope. Just think: the modern single can hack their way to happiness with a few simple steps. Get a dog for oxytocin, Facebook for support, plus a few trusted friends just in case. Bingo! You’re operating at over 85% the emotional support of marriage with none of the stress. Sounds great, right?

Right.

No, really.

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Must Love Dogs

Let us consider a strange scenario: a mother feeding her newborn for the first time. Objectively, the feast is the  celebration of an oversized parasite graduating from living off the bloodflow of one organism to living off the cashflow of two. And yet, in spite of this, the mother adores the thing and even, in defiance of all rules of aesthetics, thinks it’s cute.

How does this come to pass?

The answer, my friends, is oxytocin.

Oxytocin is a neurotransmitter also known as the Hormone of Love. Invisible during the scene we just imagined, the mother’s brain is awash in the stuff. It’s a sort of hormonal beer goggles that turns a red, wrinkled, squished body-ruining parasite into the most beautiful baby ever born. Oxytocin also flows during good dates but not, it hardly bears stating, during family reunions.

So, do you think a girl is perfect in every way, but fear that oxytocin is not flowing when she’s with you? Here’s how a clever, neurologically informed fellow gets the girl in the modern era:

Dogs.

Studies show that oxytocin levels rise when a person pets a dog, especially the big comfy kind that gaze adoringly into your eyes. Granted, the oxytocin is created by bonding with the dog. But does the brain know that? There’s only one way to find out.

So instead of visiting a lounge or an arcade, why not take your date to volunteer at the local pound? You’ll improve the lives of some poor doomed dogs and maybe even catapult your relationship several dates forward.

Or you could just invest in an oxytocin spray and pretend it’s air freshener for your car.