Friday Repost: Down With Pre-Date Research!

Well, not entirely. Just before the first date. I don’t do it at all these days. My theory is, if I get to a third date I can start worrying about skeletons in the closet and so on. But so many of my suggestions turn into charming, one-time coffee meets that I no longer see any reason to invest in background searching.

Of course, lots of people have the opposite strategy. They’d rather not go out, so they look for ways to disqualify people ahead of time. Only a rigorous search can turn up enough doubt for that.


Friday Repost: Okay, THIS is Pressure

Last week’s repost was about family exerting “pressure” on you to get married. Following that post, someone sent in a real live example of pressure from her dear old grandmother.

…Well, no surprise there. Grandmothers are the main source of marriage-directed pressure in my life. Possibly the only one. I don’t understand why. They already have grandchildren. Do they also need great-grandchildren? Isn’t that just a little bit greedy?

Or is it something different? Maybe it’s like the difference between how you treat children and grandchildren. Grandparents can tell you the stuff your parents really want to say, because they’re not your parents.

If that’s the case, I don’t want to know about it…

Friday Repost: Snark in the House

From the archives: someone asked me if I’m feeling the pressure to get married now that my sister is wedded off.  My response was a tad… laden with verbal irony.

The truth is, I’m just thick when it comes to social cues. It’s very possible that people have been exerting truckloads of pressure, and I forgot to notice it. I didn’t feel friendless in 9th grade until the teacher kept harping on how normal it was to feel friendless and we all had to try to be friendlier. Then I started wondering, “Am I friendless?” Until then I was doing fine.

Asking me if I’m feeling pressure has the same effect. I dunno… am I feeling pressure? Let me check. Oh whoa! Is that pressure?

And then the whole can of worms opens up.

So please don’t ask me stuff like that.

Friday Repost: Neck Exercises

When I was in 9th grade, our Chumash teacher encouraged us to do “neck exercises,” which was her way of describing “looking around including other people in your social activities.”

NMFs do neck exercises too, but not as altruistic ones. NMF #7 called it the NMF Twist, and it just one more burden to bear when hanging out with NMFs.

My Explanations for the Shidduch Crisis

Three years ago I listed the reasons people give for the “shidduch crisis:” Singles are too picky, there aren’t enough good boys, or there aren’t enough boys (period, aka: the pyramid problem).

I also hosted some NASI back and forth on the subject. Their original article on the 10% crisis, my follow-up response, and a third reply from the boys, all on the subject of our lonely doom.

Over the years, I’ve accumulated a number of alternative explanations for the shidduch crisis. Some I agree with. Some I don’t.

I link to some of them here:

Nobody wants to marry a career-woman, and since most women are career women, they can’t get married

–  Men are slowly degenerating into slightly squishy couch-cushions whom women would rather sit on than date

–  Jewish men don’t wear wedding bands, thus preventing Jewish women from striking up conversations with apparently single Jewish men because there are no apparently single Jewish men

Jewish women don’t wear red, and red attracts men, so Jewish women don’t attract men

There aren’t enough idealistic Jewish men for all our rational Jewish women

Too many of us are friends with my old pal E, who is a segula for not getting married

There are fewer men being born in the western world than ever before so there really are too many women around

We don’t pay shadchanim just for dates so why should they bother to set us up?

People place too much importance on hats, which casts shade over more important issues, like essential hashkafic compatibility

Women won’t marry down, and most men are down these days (and the ones that aren’t don’t want successful women [see bullet-point #1]), so women won’t marry and it’s all their own picky fault


Work your way through those for a bit. Next week I’ll post some of the solutions I’ve posed over the past few years.

Friday Repost: Shidduch Revenge

I think I might have reposted this some time ago, but since I restarted by going in chronological order, here it is again.

Women, do you feel disadvantaged in the shidduch scene? Like you have to prove more than your date, that you have to appear perfect, that you spend too much time in helpless limbo? Here is a list of empowering ideas to help you regain a feeling of control and mastery of the situation.

Friday Repost: What Good Are Single People

In my rereading I came across this post about what single people do. I found it entertaining, because one of my chief activities during winter break is classified as “looking after my married friends.” Getting married, apparently, requires moving to a town far from friends and family, and then knocking yourself out juggling housekeeping, bread-winning, and child-bearing. (What happened to the days when we sat around all day embroidering samplers and designing pretty dresses while the husband earned the income and the nurse took care of the children?)

Request: After reading this post, please rate it below on a scale of 1-5, where one is “wow you were desperate for filler material” and five is “I’m going to bookmark this so I can go back and reread it every day.”