Well, not entirely. Just before the first date. I don’t do it at all these days. My theory is, if I get to a third date I can start worrying about skeletons in the closet and so on. But so many of my suggestions turn into charming, one-time coffee meets that I no longer see any reason to invest in background searching.
Of course, lots of people have the opposite strategy. They’d rather not go out, so they look for ways to disqualify people ahead of time. Only a rigorous search can turn up enough doubt for that.
I think the “What I’m Looking For” section of a profile is more telling than the “About Me.”
Last week’s repost was about family exerting “pressure” on you to get married. Following that post, someone sent in a real live example of pressure from her dear old grandmother.
…Well, no surprise there. Grandmothers are the main source of marriage-directed pressure in my life. Possibly the only one. I don’t understand why. They already have grandchildren. Do they also need great-grandchildren? Isn’t that just a little bit greedy?
Or is it something different? Maybe it’s like the difference between how you treat children and grandchildren. Grandparents can tell you the stuff your parents really want to say, because they’re not your parents.
If that’s the case, I don’t want to know about it…
From the archives: someone asked me if I’m feeling the pressure to get married now that my sister is wedded off. My response was a tad… laden with verbal irony.
The truth is, I’m just thick when it comes to social cues. It’s very possible that people have been exerting truckloads of pressure, and I forgot to notice it. I didn’t feel friendless in 9th grade until the teacher kept harping on how normal it was to feel friendless and we all had to try to be friendlier. Then I started wondering, “Am I friendless?” Until then I was doing fine.
Asking me if I’m feeling pressure has the same effect. I dunno… am I feeling pressure? Let me check. Oh whoa! Is that pressure?
And then the whole can of worms opens up.
So please don’t ask me stuff like that.
The headline says it all, but this post on differing expectations and reactions also has a graph…
When I was in 9th grade, our Chumash teacher encouraged us to do “neck exercises,” which was her way of describing “looking around including other people in your social activities.”
NMFs do neck exercises too, but not as altruistic ones. NMF #7 called it the NMF Twist, and it just one more burden to bear when hanging out with NMFs.