The Bachelor’s Soliloquey

I am a big fan of Hamlet’s soliloquy. When you think about it, life hardly ever averages out on the euphoric side. I don’t think human programming permits it to. So why do we bother going through with it? In his soliloquy, Hamlet does an excellent job hashing out our reluctance to kick the bucket (although I think he leaves out two biggies: inertia and curiosity).

But I’m not taking this into the realm of literary criticism or existentialism. What I meant to say is that the soliloquy is eloquent and thorough, and rarely done justice in a parody. But the one below manages. It’s even easy to elocute with proper inflection.  If I knew who it belonged to, I’d cadge the rights for the Shidduch Musical. Thanks to Relarela for sending it.


O wed, or not to wed;–that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in a man to suffer
The slings and sorrows of that blind young archer;
Or fly to arms against a host of troubles,
And at the altar end them. To woo–to wed–
No more; and by this step to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand hopes and fears
The single suffer–’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To woo–to wed;–
To wed–perchance repent!–ay, there’s the rub;
For in that wedded state, what woes may come
When we have launched upon that untried sea
Must give us pause. There’s the respect
That makes celibacy of so long life;
For who would bear the quips and jeers of friends,
The husband’s pity, and the coquette’s scorn,
The vacant hearth, the solitary cell,
The unshared sorrow, and the void within,
When he himself might his redemption gain
With a fair damsel. Who would beauty shun
To toil and plod over a barren heath;
But that the dread of something yet beyond–
The undiscovered country, from whose bourne
No bachelor returns–puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of!
Thus forethought does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And numberless flirtations, long pursued,
With this regard, their currents turn awry
And lose the name of marriage.
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Shidduch Musical Submission

This one  came via email by an anonymous writer, and I have to squish it in before sefira. It’s based on the song “Bad Day” that’s covered on the Maccabeats CD (says the sender). Since they don’t have a full track available, here’s the Alvin and the Chipmunks version. IMHO the Maccabeats sound better, but the chipmunks are far, far cuter. And, I prefer these lyrics since I never really got the originals.

Here’s the rewrite:

Bad Date

Where is your skirt when you need it the most?

Your shirt was just there, but now it seems lost

They tell you that this might be “the one”

And maybe you’ll even have some fun

Oh, how much longer will this go on?

You sit in a lounge where the chairs are too low

You’re faking a smile but you really wanna go

Your compatibility’s way off line

You look at your watch to check the time

How much longer will this go on?

Because you had a bad date

Another one down

Right when you got there you wanted to turn around

You wanna say no

You’re told to just try

You put on a smile and go out another time

You had a bad date

The shadchans don’t lie

They want an answer fast so just make up your mind

You had a bad date

You had a bad date

You really need to take a break

Your parents don’t listen to what you say

How much longer will this go on?

(chorus)

( ooooh, a break)

Sometimes your dating goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong

But the next one really might be “the one”

You gotta hang in there, be strong

It won’t be long

(yeah…)

So where is that top when you need it the most?

Oh there it is

You put yourself together and you’re ready to go

Cause you had a bad date

Another one down

Right when you got there you wanted to turn around

You wanna say no

You’re told to just try

You put on a smile and go out another time

You had a bad date

You know what you don’t like

But why don’t you try just one more time

You had a bad date

You had a bad date

Shidduch Musical Submission (3)

This is actually a very old submission which I previously didn’t include because a few lines confused me. Also, I don’t really like the music from My Fair Lady. (Personal prejudice, but there you go.) But I figure if I’m going to let in the “I Gotta Feeling” song, which also needs tweaking, then this definitely deserves a spot. So please step over to SerandEz to view My Fair Shidduch, by G (who, it should be mentioned, was married off, though I don’t know if a shadchan was involved). The original song is over here (Youtube link).

 

Well after all, Pickerstein, I’m an ordinary man,
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants…
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well… just an ordinary man…
BUT, Let a Shadchan in your life and your serenity is through,
she’ll redecorate your home, from the cellar to the dome,
and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you…
Let Shidduchim in your life, and you’re up against a wall,
plan a date and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else
that neither likes at all
You want to talk of work or school,
she only wants to talk hashkafah,
You go to eat or to a lounge,
and try not to transgress “Date Halachah”,
Let a Shadchan in your life and you invite eternal strife,
Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands…
I’d be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a Shadchan in my life,
I’m a very gentle man, even tempered and good natured
who you never hear complain,
Who has the milk of human kindness by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would,
let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man…
But, Let a Shadchan in your life, and patience hasn’t got a chance,
she will beg you with advice, your reply will be concise,
and she will listen very nicely, and then go out
and do exactly what she wants!!!
You are a man of grace and polish,
who never spoke above a hush,
all at once you’re using language that would make a Rabbi blush,
Let Shidduchim in your life, and you’re plunging in a knife,
Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
than to ever let Shidduchim in my life
I’m a quiet living man,
who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,
who likes an atmosphere as restful as an undiscovered tomb,
A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys,
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
far for humanities mad inhuman noise,
Quiet living man….
But, let a Shadchan in your life, and your Sabbatical is through,
in a line that never stops come dates in black skirts and black tops,
who come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!,
they’ll all have booming boisterous fathers,
who will ask why you’re not learning,
they’ll have a large wagnarian mother,
with a voice to set the dead a’turning,
Let a Shadchan in your life
Let a Shadchan in your life?
Let Shidduchim in your life?!…I shall never let Shidduchim in my life

Dating Games (& More Shidduch Musical)

It was an astoundingly crowded evening at the Brooklyn Marriott. I was the one facing the door, so I got to count the couples as they crossed the threshold. I’m afraid I wasn’t the most scintillating conversationalist – I kept interrupting with “Eight! Here’s the eighth couple. Oh, ah, what were you saying?”

When the ninth couple walked through, I remembered the tale of the guy who claimed to have collected a minyan at such a venue and suggested that my date could chap a ma’ariv when the tenth couple came.

“And what will you be doing while we’re davening?” he asked.

“Oh, we’ll hang out, talk, compare you guys behind your backs, maybe switch places if we think it would work better…”

He looked at me and I looked at him as the same thought occurred to both of us.

“We’ll all switch places!” I declared. “And see if you even know the difference when you come back.”

He loved the idea so much that I think if a tenth couple had arrived he would have collected a minyan. Sadly, we remained only nine in the lounge, and the plan was never executed. Disappointing, I know. I apologize, but there was nothing I could do about it. I did offer a brief prayer for a tenth man, but God must have been listening to the miserable-looking maidel in the opposite corner instead because that couple upped and left shortly after.

So why mention it? Well firstly, I’d like to encourage anyone who finds themselves in a similar position to give it a spin and let me know how it goes.

But the second and more important reason is that it fills a gap in the Shidduch Musical (scroll down right side bar for the current program). For two years now I’ve been grappling with the difficulty of the necessary Lounge Dance. Where does it come in? What is it about? And most importantly, how do we avoid mixed dancing?

Well the solution has arrived! So you see I got something out of that date aside from a drink and good conversation. In the Lounge Scene, all the men will troop out to Ma’ariv wearing bemused expressions, uncertain if they’re racking up Holiness Points for going to pray or losing Decency Points for abandoning their dates. As soon as they leave the girls shyly slide out of their chairs and congregate in the center. Soon enough they begin asking where they got that cute handbag, what number date everyone is up to, and naturally, comparing their dates. Eventually the sentences become rythmic and soon you have the whole pack of them moving in song and dance. It culminates with a lot of leaping about on couches and tap dancing on table tops when suddenly the men return. Room freezes. Pause. Mad scramble for seats – any seat. The men sit down and after an awkward pause one of each couple breaks the silence with, “So tell me about your siblings.”

(An aside here: don’t you love the way musicals handle the fact that everyone is acting amazingly unnatural during the musical part? Some just finish the song and everyone disperses like nothing happened. Others make it integral, like it’s totally normal for people to burst into song and dance at random moments of their lives. And some go a step further, bringing in third parties who eye the ensemble with astonishment and back away slowly. And suddenly you realize that, yeah, this should look weird, why doesn’t it? I should have been a film/theater major. Then I could have written a paper about it. Oh well. Where were we?)

Right – so that’s the scene. Now here’s an even harder part: the song. Do I see a raise of hands for song writers?

Shidduch Musical Grows

G‘s adaption of “The Boys are Back in Town” (below and on SerandEz’s blog) gives us a new total of three songs for the shidduch musical (the Welcome Home Song, the Mama, I’m a Big Girl Now courtesy of Scraps). This could get fun. I’m thinking of a songdance scene in a lounge – around 5 couples scattered around the room. The song will start with snippets of conversation and end with the guys dancing on the tables and the girls throwing their diet coke glasses in the air in a single explosion of glass and carbonated sucrose. I’m just not sure how to get from point A to point B.

How about a conglomerated job? Anyone have ideas, songs, script lines, scenes, acts, to contribute?

 

 

Guess who just got back today?
Them white-shirted boys that had been away
Haven’t changed, still shteiging away
But man, they gonna be datin’ like crazy

They were asking which girls were around
How pretty they are, and how much Dad’s puttin’ down
Told them you were lookin’ for a learner
That Lakewood’s your idea of heaven

The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
I said
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time

You know that girl you used to see a lot
Every day doing something else, well that’s all gonna stop
Man I tell you she dropped it all like it was red hot
I mean she started dating

Manhattan @ 7:30 is the time and place
One time this chick got up and she slapped “Johnny”’s face
Man forgot which girl he was out with
If that chick aint shomer negiah, forget her

The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
I said
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time

Make sure you’re seen around
Start dressing up, not down

Get your name spread around

Shabbos at Shul the girls will dress to kill
At night, restaurants and lounges will fill
The Diet Coke will flow ‘till he calls for the bill
And if the boys don’t tip, you’d better dump them

That Shadchanim in the corners do their dance & song
The nights are getting warmer, it won’t be long
Won’t be long till the weddings come
Now that the boys are here again

The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
The boys are back in town
It’s Bein Hazmanim time
Spread the word around
The boys are back in town
The boys are back in town

The bochurim are back, the bochurim are back