Commitment Shy

A few weeks ago, while flipping through the Jewish Press checking out all the more interesting columns, I came across one that introduced the idea of singles being scared to commit. The authoress proposed to enlighten the readership as to why modern older singles are so scared in her next column.

Naturally, I couldn’t wait to find out. I’m all for new insight into what makes me tick. But the next weekend, to my dismay, the column wasn’t there. My mother informed me that it only comes out once a month.

It turned out it wasn’t all that bad. For lack of anyone to tell me about my fear of commitment, I had to formulate a theory on my own. Unfortunately, like many of my theories, it takes time to arrange on paper. So while I edit and rewrite, tear up pages and write them again, what are your thoughts on the matter?

Are we commitment-shy? If so, why? If not, why might it appear so?

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12 thoughts on “Commitment Shy

  1. I think that question’s too wide ranging to answer. There are some singles who are commitment shy and others who are not. For the ones who are, the reason they are could range from the fact that they feel too young to get married (not mature enough, not able to cope well enough) to the fact that they’re scared of having an intimate relationship to a person (whether on a physical or emotional level). But there are also people who just haven’t met their bashert yet. There’s all kinds of singles so for anyone to stick a one-size-fits-all label on them doesn’t make much sense.

  2. got news for you, b4s. you are not really at 24 you are not really an older single. only from your perspective, in your little community is 24 old to be single.
    get a grip.

  3. I think, for the most part, marriages happen in their proper time. No one “has” to marry by a certain age, nor does Hashem intend them to. Sometimes for the good of the relationship, personal achievements should be attained before becoming a married individual.

    It happens often enough that a couple will date forever, and one of them will be constantly dragging feet, not sure, finally breaking up, and then marrying someone else a short time later. Was that failure to commit, or just not meant to be?

  4. “I’m all for new insight into what makes me tick.”

    “modern” “older” single – is that who you identify with?

  5. Most of us are not commitment-shy. If we find the right person, we’re ready to go. The trick is finding the right person. Unless, of course, a person feels that they need to get engaged after only a small number of dates, or after a short period of time (like 2 weeks). In that case, of course a person would be commitment shy! You’re about to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life, and you’re supposed to make it when you barely know the other person? I would be more worried about those who have no fear to commit in such a case.

  6. By “modern” I meant “in this day and age” not “wears baseball cap instead of yarmulke.”
    And while I may not be “older” yet, I could be in the future, and isn’t prevention the best medicine?

  7. Obviously, not all older singles are commitment phobic.
    Those that are commitment shy-can be for numerous reasons like SJG wrote. Older-aka wiser singles observe that there are too many divorces,unhappy unions…If you really think about this phenomena-it’s perfectly normal to be commitment phobic!

    Bitachon goes a long way…

  8. I think mostly we’re too picky, and/or inflexible.

    Wherever that comes from, or whatever the result (i.e. whether it’s fear or some other source and that means a person is “commitment shy” or unreasonable), I point my finger there.

    I was just by a relative (married in his twenties, has five children), and he mentioned to me that he noticed a difference in the singles he knows who get married earlier versus those that remain single. Those who tend to marry earlier date with the question “can I make this work?” (and really work on finding ways to make it work) in their minds. Those who take longer tend to be asking “is this the best I can get?”

    So many people keep talking about finding “the one.” It’s an approach I dislike. A person should work on themselves (especially since there’s SO much opportunity to focus on oneself and do that when single!) and in dating ask themselves: “can I make this work?” If the answer is “yes” there’s no such thing as “settling.” The concept of “settling” only exists when a person compares “what they get” with “what they could have gotten.”

  9. I’ll bet you won’t reach the age the JP author is worrying about as a single. You can answer this question for yourself. Did you ever date long enough (by your standard, not mine) for you to have gotten involved with someone and get cold feet. Somehow, your writing persona (sp.?_) does not speak to that kind of personality.

    Don’t innoculate against a disease for which you are genetically indisposed.

  10. Pingback: Dating Scared « Bad for Shidduchim

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