The View of Cloud 9 from Cloud 8

Just came back from visiting NMF #8. We had a pleasant talk – it was our first real verbal communication since her sheva brachos. Inevitably she mentioned the thing on every newlywed’s mind: the status of her single friends. But not the “let’s marry you off” part, which we’re all thoroughly sick of hearing about. The part about how desperately you ought to want to. Not in a condescending manner, just an informative one. Mostly about how wonderful it is to be married, how enriching and fulfilling and completing it is, etc. I can actually give the exposition about it being a different plane of existence, of the feeling of wholeness, which, as a single, you have nothing to compare it to so you can’t understand it, and so on, because I’ve heard it before.

I love hearing it.

It means, of course, that the NMF has already been sworn into the MMRC and is out to convert me.

CU-UT.

Take two:

It means that the NMF is obviously enjoying her married status, which is always a good sign.

Which is why I’m always gratified to hear the “you don’t understand how wonderful it is” subject come up.

She also mentioned setting me up with her husband’s friends, in typical NMF style, but gave me all the gory details about why none of them worked out. I told her it was ok, really. But I think that distressed her a bit because of… well, see paragraph one.

19 thoughts on “The View of Cloud 9 from Cloud 8

  1. I imaging it’s also very scary to be a newlywed when you have not known your new husband for more than a few months. Have you considered that it’s possible that your friend is giving herself a pep talk as much as you?

  2. Bad4 u r being so naive!
    If someone goes into marriage expecting it to complete them and all that jazz, they are setting t/s up 4 disaster! NMF #8 sounds like every other typical jap bragging about her husband.
    y do u love hearing bout how much they love their marriages? It’s like eating ice cream in front of someone who just ate fleishigs. And telling them to smell it, look at it, yearn for it, but not taste it. Yet.

  3. well at least with the ice cream, you know you’ll be able to have it in six hours…so it’s not so bad. but not knowing when you’ll ever be able to taste it is tough.

  4. y do u love hearing bout how much they love their marriages?

    I always assumed it was a good thing to be happy in marriage, and I also always assumed it was a good thing to be happy for your friends who are happy. But what do I know?

  5. Have you ever asked a NMF (any of them) what they mean by complete and whole? Have they finished their growth?

    For the first few months of marriage, the wonderful feelings one has (assuming they are not pregnant yet and throwing up) is that they do not have to date and the pressure of the wedding is off. I would love to challenge any newly married person to explain what complete and whole means after knowing someone for all of 6 months to a year (includes dating and engaged time). Enriching – fine, fulfilling – maybe, a different plane of existence – whatever that means, but whole and complete – that is just bragging.

  6. They mean “Not missing something anymore.” Sorry I truncated the speech. Because when you’re single, you’re missing something, and when you’re married, you’ve found it…

    Ditto to Erachet. She’s not rubbing my face in her happiness. She’s just explaining it to me, while I listened with anthropological interest and friendly satisfaction. I think it would be much worse if she didn’t mention being happy!

  7. Maybe she just has nothing else to talk about- as a major life event, marriage, and how good it is to be married, is a large topic on her mind right now. So, even though she may be out to convert you- I’m sure that if you distracted her with another topic- one more to your liking- she would certainly oblige.
    I’ll talk about cleaning cycles if you wish, but I’d prefer to discuss gel electrophoresis of DNA.

  8. I don’t get it. Why’s everyone (but Erachet) complaining? Didn’t she say it was *nice* to hear how wonderful marriage is?

  9. Having been married more than 19 years, I don’t know that my wife would say that she is “completed”. Hopefully she is happy most of the time with our marriage, but “completed”, I doubt it.

    For #9 – What kind of electrophoresis are you doing? Agarose electrophoresis to purify or separate DNA, polyacrylamide electrophoresis (which I used in the ancient days to sequence DNA), isoelectric focusing, or something else?

  10. White Shirt Working Guy- you raise a good point. I agree- it’s that relief of “no more shidduchim, no more calls, no more wondering,” etc.

    Rivka- good point on “Somebody”s comparison.

    tooyoungtoteach- I disagree. You make it seem like marriage is a cure for everything. It isn’t. Marriage, for most, at the beginning is not euphoric. They may try to make it seem that way, but those who get the realistic picture hear about the tough adjustment, little disagreements, and yes, some challenges along the way, even if the wife isn’t puking from the first morning they’re married.

  11. a friend of mine put it well – when she was engaged, she was more excited about the fact that she was engaged than the fact that she found a chasan. Like Michelle said – no more calls, no more wondering…”ein simcha k’Hataras hasfeikos”.

  12. Sorry, let me clarify. I didn’t mean that a person is “completed” and that marriage is the “be all and end all”. What I did mean is that I hope my friend thinks she is in “la la land” after her wedding. And yes, she will wake up in a few months, but for the time being, let her think she solved the mystery to life.

    People should go into marriage realistically, that it’s tough, there are major ajustments etc, but if that’s all they have in mind, I don’t hold much hope for them. A certain amount of idealism is always necessary to move forward.

  13. In answer to conservative sci fi- agarose gel electrophoresis usually, after doing PCR on bacterial DNA. Much more interesting than cleaning cycles.

    I also agree with tooyoungtoteach- a certain amount of idealism is always necessary to move forward. Without it, we all would be too jaded and burnt out to create new ideas, or to embark on new changes in life. Very true.

  14. Sheesh, you guys are scaring me. I just might need a session with my therapist before I begin to date. Be careful with your words, my friends!

  15. I’m Modern orthodox(ish, I kinda hate labels…)but ST’s comment is exactly the problem I have with the shidduch dating world. I have no problem with my friends being happy to be married whether they dated for 3 months or three years, as long as what they are happy about is the fact that they get to start a life and family with the person they love the most in the world. But I do have a problem with seeing marriage as an end in itself. The fact that people are happier about being engaged or married than about who they are engaged or married to is what is causing alot of young men and women to rush into marriage before they are ready. That scares me.

  16. Sorry I scared you. What I meant was that besides for being happy with her new chasan, she felt secure because there was no more doubt. I think that is why everyone goes nuts about shidduchim – it’s not that people necessarily mind getting married after 21 or 22, but rather they just want to know when and where and to whom. If someone told every 18 year old off the plane from seminary that she was going to get married at 23 to such and such a person, they would not freak out – as long as they know! That’s why I said “ein simcha k’hataras hasfeikos” – it could not be more true.

  17. Pingback: Friday Repost: The Different Plane Spiel | Bad for Shidduchim

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