Celestial Practical Joke

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and saw that it was good.

And  God created lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth. And He saw that it was good.

And so God said, let the waters bring forth moving creatures that have life, and He created every living creature that moveth; and God saw that it was good.

And God and the angels gazed down and behold! The earth was a blue and green gem wrapped in white clouds and they agreed that it was good, nay, beautiful. And God rubbed his hands together and said, “Now for the crowning glory.” And the angels said, “Perhaps it would be wise to stop while ahead.”

But God said unto the angels, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness,” and the angels were not happy, for though they thought God comely, they did not like the idea of a crowning glory that was not themselves.

And God created man in his own image, in the image of God He created him, and God said unto the angels, “Come look at what I made.”

And the angels said, “Do we haaave to?”

And God said, “Yes.”

And so the angels crowded around the Man and it did not find favor in their eyes, for they could see that Man was spiritually deficient and destined to stray. Also, he didn’t have even a single pair of wings.

But one young angel was eager to please and he said unto God, in an interested, friendly way, “What is that coconut on a thick stalk?”

And the Lord answered: “That is Man’s Head, and inside I have put my most amazing creation.” And the angels looked inside and lo! There was—

“Hey, didn’t I designeth those for coral reefs?” quothe an angel. “Only a nic—er different color.” And the angel poked the coral that was in the head and the coral did wobble and the angel was dismayed. “It’s gone bad!” declared the angel.

“Nay,” spake God, “For that is man’s brain, the most powerful organ I did bequeath him. Not literally the most powerful,” God explained, as the angel gazed doubtfully at the quivering gray lump. “Metaphorically.”

Quothe the angel: “Oh.”

And the young angel did seek to smooth over this unpleasantness so he said, “And what is that red gash near the bottom of the Head?” (It looked like the pogonophora he’d arranged around hydrothermal vents.)

“That is the Mouth,” said the Lord. “It permits the Man to take in food and air.” And the angels were disgusted, for they found the need for external fuel and the resulting exhaust messy.

And then God fastened the finishing touch, a pointy piece of flesh, onto the Head above the Mouth and lo! it was a Nose.

And the angels thought it looked silly.

Then the young angel bent down to peer up the nose, for it was deep and dark and reminded him of caves he had designed on the face of the earth.

“The nose permits the Man to breath and eat at the same time,” God said, “So that he will not be forced to eat with his mouth open.”

And the angels trembled mightily at the thought and were happy in God’s great wisdom.

“Any questions?” asked the Lord.

And one angel spoke with great hope: “Is this the beta version?”

“Nay, for I shall deploy this Man today, yea, I shall even give to him and his progeny my Torah.”

And the angels were wroth, for they did see that Man was destined to distort the law and it would be a great disrespect to God, the Lord.

But the young angel looked up from the Nose and did ask: “Behold, the Nose is open to the elements. Peradventure some dust should enter, what would occur?”

And the Lord said, “If some dust should enter, the Nose will produce a coating and stick it to the hairs.” And the angel who had designed the oyster was greatly affronted.

And the young angel spake again, “Peradventure there be much dust, and the coating grow thick and the cavern tunnel be obstructed, how shall the obstruction be removed?”

And the Lord said, “He has fingers.”

And the angels were grievously disturbed, for they said, “How shall he learn Torah, with his fingers up his nose?” And God saw that it was true.

And God said to the young angel, “Make thee for the Man an automated mechanism whereby he may remove obstructions from his nose without fingers. But mind that thou does it soon, for the day is passing and I must place the Man upon the earth.” And the Lord went unto His drawing board to design the Sabbath, and the angels were left with the Man. And they gazed upon the Man and despised him greatly.

And the young angel said: “Man is but a collection of our best natural designs. Let us choose another to clear his nasal caverns.”

And another angel said to him, “Let it be something that will give us joy when we see Man in his perversion destroying the earth.”

And a second angel spake against him and said, “Let it be something that reminds him of his purpose on earth and the God who made him.”

And the angels thought hard and were conscientious, and created two ways for the nose to clear itself.

The first was to remind Man of God’s bounty, the blessings He does pour down upon those who obey him and walk in his way, and it was modeled after the waterfall.

The second was to remind Man of God’s wrath, the punishment to be meted out, measure for measure, upon those who disregard his creed. It was modeled after the volcano.

And the angel who did program the sensitivity level for these mechanisms was conscientious indeed, and set them to the highest, that they might be activated, yea, even by the smallest pollen.

And the young angel who was so fascinated by noses was later elevated to the position of Angel of Rhinoviruses, where he spends his time designing new lines for each season.

And it was evening and it was morning, and there were colds upon the earth.

18 thoughts on “Celestial Practical Joke

  1. OH. MY. G-D.
    No words to describe that. Man, I can just see where your mind was going when thinking about the reason behind your cold (I presume you have one) and the preceding historical events!! What an incredibly creative take on the subject.

    A marveous piece of writing!

    This should be published.

    One of my Top Ten Favorite Posts.

  2. Wow. just wow.
    absolutely gorgeous.
    I musta learnt ’bout 15 new words.
    but come on . “thought it looked silly” ? totally doesn’t fit.

  3. Brilliant and Breathtaking!!! You have a Gift in elevating the mundane, and bringing people closer to G-d!

    Would you consider writing a book on similar pieces of what I call Religious and REAL humor !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Oh, and Refuah Sheleimah Bad 4!

  4. Wow! i think this is your nuttiest piece ever! and to think i thought midway it was about people picking their noses on dates 🙂 feel better

  5. This is absolutely fantastic! It’s always fun to see where sudden creative inspiration takes you – and this is a wonderful end product of that process. This is defining expression of your boundless talent that we were discussing a number of posts ago…

  6. Priceless! English lost a true talent when you switched majors. Feel better soon. Hmmm, wonder what you’d do with a stomache virus or a touch of dyspepsia. That poor angel–there are worse cavities to have to gaze up than a nose.

  7. Wonderful, but the way it was going should have ended with allergies, not colds — being that you talk about it being activated by dust and pollen, not viruses.

    (And to the first comment, I think that “looked silly” is simply perfect for the occasion.)

  8. Refua sheleima!
    I just discovered this blog, and I am very impressed not only by the content of your thoughts, but by the felicity with which you express them. It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you were an English major (referencing #13).

  9. This detailed version of Man’s creation is intriguing indeed … I chuckled at the frolicking frivolous little angels..

    wonderful .. imaginative ..and very clever!

  10. Pingback: Tis the Season to be Sneezy « Bad for Shidduchim

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