Get Thee to a Shadchan! (If You’re Male)

It’s not like nobody wants to set up older girls. Well, maybe some don’t. But based on what I understand, the problem isn’t not wanting to set up the gir— I mean women – it’s that guys tend not to go to shadchanim. As a result, shadchanim wind up with long lists of women and short lists of men. It’s really not a promising start.

It’s like the singles events. Women go because they figure they should give it a shot. Men go only if they’re totally desperate. The result: a totally lopsided pool of attendees.

So I don’t see this as a game changer.

If they want to change the game, they should bribe normal, young men to visit shadchanim. Preferably the same shadchanim frequented by the women. Now that might make a difference.

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16 thoughts on “Get Thee to a Shadchan! (If You’re Male)

  1. “it’s that guys tend not to go to shadchanim”

    Yes, that’s exactly it! Want the NASI guy’s contact information? And he wouldn’t need to give them nearly as much money as he is proposing – maybe just tickets to a football game.

  2. I must be doing something wrong! My son goes to shadchanim. My daughter goes to the library to study. Any wonder both are not yet married?

  3. What? I go to shaddchanim. As a matter of fact I think I’ve been to every famous one in the country! I do not go to singles events though. And I did meet the guy who “owns” the NASI program at shacharis this past week. We argued for half an hour, me telling him to rename it the Nazi Program before the Rosh Yeshiva’s wife came out and told us we’re making too much noise.

  4. Wouldn’t a better way to even it out be if girls said “Screw it” and just stopped going to shadchanim too? Suddenly guys might find it harder to have girls thrown their way.

  5. Seriously, it is important to note the failure rate of shadchanim to attract normal, successful men into their Rolodexes. There are many reasons for this, but the reality is many many of these women have far more potential brides than grooms on list because they are simply so dreadful at interacting with men other than their own husbands. They then compound the problem by not admitting a fundamental failure on their part, and neglecting to mention to gullible and desperate women that they have a 5:1 balance in their Rolodex.

  6. Israel FRAC:

    You must be joking! I “have” more girls than boys because more girls than boys call me. I am quite capable of interacting with “normal, successful men”, and, having 3 sons of dating age of my own, spend far more time in my daily life interacting with boys that age than girls.

    As it happens, my ratio is closer than 5:1, but I routinely tell the girls who contact me that new boys trickle in at a very slow rate.

    I wonder which shadchanim you’ve dealt with, that you say many of us are “dreadful” at interacting with men other than our husbands, and that we are disingenous in dealing with gullible and desparate women. Nice way to slander people who are trying to help!

  7. Random,

    Rarely has the phrase The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions been more applicable than in discussion of very well meaning women volunteering as shadchanim — without a professional clue what they are doing, and with truly significant difficulty interacting with adult professional men who are no longer safe “boys” in yeshiva.
    And given the aversion of precision in the Frum community, where word of mouth reputation is utilized rather than any sense of precision, many many many many many many of these women are collecting fees from gullible, trusting nice Jewish girls without disclosing the fact that they have had zero success in cultivating the product that is ostensibly being sold. On Wall Street, some would call that fraud, not a mitzvah, but so long as the community can frame the discussion as shadchanut is a mitzvah every housewife can post a shingle and perform for a fee, that cheshbon hanefesh will never occur.

  8. FRAC:

    You may call it “the road to hell”; my happily married couples, and their families would beg to differ, as will the many singles I have not been zoche to help, who tell me how much more pleasant I’ve made this process for them. Also, as a professional with an advanced degree in another profession, I am wondering what makes one a “professional” shadchan – asking for money? If so, I guess I am not a professional, just another well-meaning volunteer, without a professional clue what I am doing. (Am pretty sure that NYS doesn’t license shadchanim, nor are there grad school programs for this.)

    In terms of my alleged difficulty in interacting with adult professional men, sorry, you don’t have a clue. For better or for worse, I was raised Modern Orthodox, co-ed schools, pants, and all, and have no trouble there.

    Re; the precision you cite, I think it’s a mistake to look for how often a shadchan “closes the deal”, as I’ve heard it phrased. I’d rather deal with someone who is not looking to improve her stats, or focused on the profit she stands to make. BTW, professionals an housewives alike, we all start by trying, no matter how many “successes” we accumulate as time goes on.And in case you are wondering, many of us “housewives” don’t charge a fee, so I am pretty sure that even on Wall Street, this would be called “a mitzvah”, not “fraud”.

    So if you are a single, feel free to deal with whomever you wish. But there is no reason to badmouth those of us who spend hours trying to help, and often have. When you hear people bemoaning the fact that other people don’t reach out and try to help, attitudes like yours are one of the reasons why.

  9. Lest it be said that I disparage your excellent efforts. You are, unquestionably, a shadchan extraordinaire.

    You asked for a male perspective, as a consumer, why we don’t use shadchanim, and cannot be coaxed into using shadchanim. I replied in good faith: dreadful interaction with professional men by many many of the female shadchanim — your gleaming exception not altering that statistical reality; and a total lack of professional standards resulting in lack of uniform professional practices.

  10. FRAC:

    Thanks for clarifying. I didn’t ask the question, though. I know why boys often don’t get in touch with shadchanim. For the most part, a shidduch is usually red to the boy first; therefore, they are already getting names from people in yeshiva, at work, or in the neighborhood, and often don’t feel the need to look further.

    In terms of uniform professional practices, I don’t think uniform practices are appropriate for shidduchim (or for many other things), since not all people want, or are comfortable with, the same practices. Just as an example, I am a very hands-off shadchan, unless asked to get involved. Some people love that, some hate it. People just need to find shadchanim who are compatible with them. (And then, since it’s not in our hands anyway, they need to daven!)

  11. Random Shadchan:

    I think what he meant was that many woman become shaddchanim because they are simply bored sitting at home. I’ve been contacted by and met many of these woman. I even recently met a woman who has never made a shidduch in her entire life but told me she lost her job and now needs to fill the time doing something. OK great, well find some other senseless guy to bother!

    As I have dropped using shadchanim for about 7 months now my dates have significantly approved as I only date girls from people who know me, such and family and friends. They have my best interest in mind (and mind you never lie, or “stretch the truth”), and it always works out for the best that way.

  12. I think whether or not people lie, or stretch the truth, depends on whether or not they are honest, moral people, not on whether they are people who know you, or shadchanim.

  13. having dabbled a bit in shadchanus, I find the guy shortage worse — Shadchanim horde guys profiles and will only share women’s. If you go to any of the shidduch meetings, everyone has girls to present — very rarely will anyone share a guy’s profile (as if they have a “scoop” on the guys, making them a better shadchan). And its not as if shadchanim don’t have a few of those profiles about (whether or not the guys came to them or their moms did).

  14. Rarely has a shadchun set me up with someone who was on-target. They say they understand exactly for whom I’m looking but mostly set me up with women who clearly do not match with what I just told them for the last hour.

    I feel like a square peg that has been repeatedly rammed into a round hole in the hopes that eventually I’ll fit. Find me a square hole to the left of yeshivish and the right of YU.

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